Resolutions

Probably the best New Year’s resolution is to resolve to make no resolutions. That way, you paint yourself into a paradoxical corner from which escape is only possible by sitting in a corner reading Wittgenstein in the original German.

But since, as we know, the world is all that is the case, and because that case, in my case, is a basket case, I can’t help myself from considering at least a few things I might do this year to improve upon my performance in 2011, at the very least in hopes of earning the kind of bonus that my friends in the one percent are used to receiving at year’s end.

So, for starters, I hereby resolve to eat healthier in the next twelve months. What this will entail is not entirely clear, but I do think it precludes indulging in my penchant for sprinkling my breakfast cereal with botulism and ebola, oh well.

In a similar spirit, I guess I’ll also resolve to drink less coffee; I pair this, of course, with a resolution to sleep more and smoke more crack. Or not.

I also resolve to exercise at least three times a week; the one starting the third Sunday in June should work fine.

I hereby resolve to be kinder and more compassionate to my fellow human beings—fucking assholes though they be.

I’m going to ride my bike more this year than I did last; I guess that’s more of a prediction than a resolution, though.

I also resolve to lose five pounds—at the current exchange rate, that comes out to about seven dollars and seventy-five cents. Hopefully, it’s not cheating to lose it at playing craps.

I resolve not to care so much when the Steelers; it should be no problem as long as they win the Superbowl.

Finally, I resolve above all, to be a much better person; so, for Halloween this year, I’m going to go as Mother Teresa.