Thursday, April 01, 2010

Movin' On

I’ve had it with bikes. Sick of ‘em.

They’re too slow, too old-fashioned, and really only for nerds in spandex and bowling ball heads. So I’m getting rid of my entire stable of two-wheelers: goodbye to the Saluki, the Quickbeam, and the 420 bike; bonsoir to the Tournesol, so long to the tandem, the triple, and even the once-beloved Bridgestone XO-1; I don’t want ‘em or need ‘em.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

If I can get a few cents on the dollar for each, I’ll have enough money for a down payment on a nice car, something fast and flashy like a Dodge Charger or maybe even a new Chevy Camaro. Something manly, as befits a stud like yours truly.

And speaking of which, no more yoga for me either. That shit’s for girls and sissies. And girl sissies. I’m going to take up weightlifting instead. Or better yet, forget about exercising altogether. If I’m not riding a bike, what do I need to be in shape for, anyway?

Naturally, therefore, you can expect me to start eating meat. Adios to vegetarianism—in the immortal words of Homer Simpson, “if we weren’t supposed to eat animals, why’d they make them outta meat?”

Pork, bacon, ham, steak, and especially veal, bring it on!

Of course, it’s not all about consumption; my new way of life calls for giving up some long-standing ingestions, namely beer; you’ll no longer find me quaffing a cold brew after a hot afternoon of softball or mowing the lawn—I’m turning completely to milk and green tea.

And that goes for coffee, too; if I want a little lift in the morning now, I’ll just have a double shot of orange juice.

“Unbelievable,” you might be saying; “Dave, are you stoned?” you might ask.

Nope, sober as a judge; no cannabis for me any more, either.

Matter of fact, the only thing I’m not giving up is my longtime celebrating of April first.


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