Thursday, August 06, 2009


You gotta love being able to stand and pee, but other than that, I’m not sure I’ve got all that much to be proud of being a man.

Read the news and pretty much every single story of death and destruction—okay, except that terrible story in New York where the drunk woman drove wrong-way on the freeway for two miles before crashing and killing eight people including herself—has a male perpetrator.

Whether it’s suicide bombers in Afghanistan or suicidal shooters in suburban Pittsburgh, it’s all human beings with that “y” chromosome; what’s up with that?

Now, I know that boys are responsible for all kinds of humanity’s greatest achievements: the bicycle, representative democracy, the Caesar salad, but I’m unconvinced that all balances out against some of the terrible stuff males have mainly been the architects of, like the fire-bombing of Dresden in World War II, or September 11th, or the music of Kenny G. or Michael Bolton.

I’m not sure what the appropriate response to this state of affairs is; widespread castration is probably over-the-top and would no doubt result in a glut of geriatric boy bands, but it’s pretty obvious that something should be done to address the violent tendencies of those members of the human race with penises and testicles.

As a first step, it might be a good idea to ban men from owning guns, bombs, aircraft carriers, nuclear weapons, and high-end P.A. systems. Boys would be allowed to have Swiss Army knives, but the big blade would be replaced by an additional corkscrew.

Of course, there’s no chance of this ever coming to pass, at least not while the vast majority of government seats have a phallus atop them.

Lysistrata probably had the right idea; if women withheld their sexual favors from men, maybe conflict would lessen. But maybe things would just get worse, as that creep in Pittsburgh, Sodini, seems to illustrate.

But whatta I know? I’m just some guy.


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