Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Heat Wave

Ohmigawd it’s ninety-four degrees! Duck and cover! Assume the position! Run for the hills! (Or at least, the cool of your basement or the air-conditioned public library).

Everyone is freaking out around here because it’s so freaking hot around here. You’d think it was the end of the world or (at least the start of a NASCAR event) the way the press is reporting it. We haven’t seen so many television reporters doing outdoor mobile reports since Micheal Jackson's funeral!

I guess there’s nothing like hot weather to get folks all hot and bothered; I’m sure that neither the ongoing war in Afghanistan, nor the confirmation vote of Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayer, (not to mention Tim Lincecum’s 15-strikeout win against the Pittsburgh Pirates last night) rate anywhere near the importance of this story.

You want tips for staying cool?

Get outta your friggin’ car, for one thing. On a bike (at least the way I ride) you’re always comfortable. Uphill, you just pedal slowly and downhill, you enjoy the breeze. Honestly, I’m never hot while riding until I stop at a traffic light and get surrounded by internal combustion engines burning up fossil fuels inefficiently, losing so much of that potential energy to heat.

I’ve yet to see anyone try to cook an egg on the sidewalk, but I’ll bet you could fry one up on the hood of a black Mercedes. And use the hood ornament as a spatula! And the side view mirror as a bowl!

Oh, sorry, man, is this YOUR car? My bad. I thought it was an Easy-Bake Oven! Because see how easy it is to bake an egg on the dash?

No need to get all worked up over it; I’m just trying to illustrate a point. That point being, Ohmigawd, it’s hot! Ninety-five degrees! You can’t expect me to behave rationally when it’s like this outside! Don’t you watch the news? We’re all gonna die! Fry! Fry! Fry!


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