Why the Mariners Suck

At 18-30, the Seattle Mariners have the worst record in the American League, and they’re even lousier than that. They can’t hit; their fielding is spotty, at best; starting pitching has been inconsistent to put it mildly; middle relief, atrocious; and even last year’s phenom, the unfortunately-named J.J. Putz, has, due in part to injury, played like the body part his surname describes; and yeah, manager John “Ho-Hum” McLaren seems to be no better at pulling strings behind the scenes than a drunken puppeteer without any arms.

But none of this, really, is why the team is so odiferously stinking up the league; nope, the simple explanation for that lies at the foot of the front office, specifically with whomever it was who failed the year before last in the college draft, invoking the curse that inevitably follows when you don’t pick the local boy made good when you’ve got the chance.

I don’t mean to be coy here, so I’ll say it right out: The reason the Mariners suck worse right now than a toothless whore is because they didn’t fucking draft Tim Lincecum when they had the chance!

Bellevue, Washington bred, University of Washington star, available right before their fucking eyes and when it came time to pick, they chose Brandon fucking Morrow—not a bad middle reliever, but not the Hall-of-Fame-second-coming-of-Greg-goddamned-Maddox that little Timmy is.

Management claimed Lincecum is too small, that he’ll wear his arm out, but they shoulda watched the kid pitch! Smooth as silk windup, then boom! His fastball explodes to the plate with more movement on it than a bunch of toddlers playing musical chairs.

All Lincecum has done this year is to go out ten consecutive times and throw a quality start; no more then 3 earned runs in any game, he’s 6 and 1 and could easily be 8 and 0 for a Giants team that’s almost as bad as Seattle.

And we coulda had him.

Shoulda.