Nuclear Aspirations

No doubt this reveals my ignorance of global politics, but I’m having a hard time getting very worked up over North Korea’s recent nuclear test. I realize that the major concern is not that they’ve successfully blown up an atomic bomb, but that they are now in a position to sell that technology to so-called “rogue nations” and terrorists groups who would then use the nuke on the U.S. or our allies. But even so, this threat all seems so hypothetical and paranoid; I’m much more scared by more immanent dangers like the pollution killing all the undersea life in the Puget Sound, or civil war in Iraq, or Alex Rodgriguez ending up again in a Mariners uniform.

Fear over the atomic bomb strikes me as almost quaint these days; I think all those Beltway insiders who are stressing out so much over North Korea are feeling a bit of nostalgia for the simple days of the Cold War when all we had to worry about was whether the Russians would nuke us and spark World War III. Having a single enemy whose nuclear arsenal poses one big threat seems much easier to deal with than multiple terrorist threats around the globe.

Therefore, I’ve decided, as a public service to our government and military, that I too will develop a nuclear bomb. None of this paltry A-bomb stuff for me, though; I’m going all out for the hydrogen model right off the bat, Tsar Bomba size.

Not only will this reconfigure the arena of global politics, it will also give me a great deal more leverage in my dealings government and industry.

I just dare some cop to give me a parking ticket when I’ve got my H-bomb in the trunk.

Let’s see how fast I get my refund from Amazon.com when they realize their customer is a nuclear power.

Best of all, Washington can stop worrying about Pyongyang and start paying way overdue attention to me.