Another Interview With Pluto

Yesterday, the International Astronomical Union declared that Pluto is no longer a planet, stripping our favorite frozen iceball of the planetary status it has held since its discovery in 1930. Today, top (or is that flop?) reporters from 327 Words caught up with Pluto for a response to the historic decision.

327: So how does it feel to no longer be a planet?
PLUTO: If you’re going to be insulting, I shall stop this interview right now.

327: Sorry, I’m just referring to the decision yesterday by the IAU to downsize the solar system from 9 planets to eight.
PLUTO: Downsize is right! This was purely an economic decision; and if they think they cheat me out of my pension over this, they’ve got another think coming.

327: But according to the new guidelines, a planet has to have cleared the neighborhood around its orbit, and yours overlaps with Uranus.
PLUTO: How do you know Uranus’ doesn’t overlap with mine?

327: You’re not satisfied, then, with being classified as a “dwarf planet?”
PLUTO: What? Now I’m Planet Dopey? Or Sneezy? Or Doc?

327: I sense some bitterness here.
PLUTO: Well, I am named after the god of the underworld, after all. But bitter? Why should I be bitter? After 76 years of faithful service as a planet, I’m suddenly kicked out of the planetary status by a bunch of second-rate star-gazers who weren’t even born yet when I was discovered? No, I’m not bitter, I’m simply disappointed by the shortsightedness of the tiny little minds who run the IAU today. You know most of these jerks can’t even use a slide rule?

327: Is that bourbon you’re drinking?
PLUTO: Single-malt scotch and at my age, I deserve the best, whether the IAU sanctions it or not.

327: So what are your plans now?
PLUTO: Well, let me just say that Pluto’s not going away; they can decree I’m not a planet, but I’ll always be a star.