Interview with Pluto

Crack correspondents (or is that crack-smoking?) from 327Words have secured this exclusive interview with the planet Pluto, which has recently had its qualifications as a planet called into question by top astronomers and scientists.

327: It looks like there’s a chance you’ll have your status as a planet reduced to merely an ice ball in the Kuiper Belt, what’s up with that?
PLUTO: Old news; turns out the eggheads have EXPANDED their official definition of planet; I’m set now, planet Pluto is secure!

327: But apparently that means other “objects,” like the really big asteroid, Ceres, and maybe even your own moon, Charon, will become planets.
PLUTO: An asteroid? Please. And Charon—you’ve got to be kidding!

327: Charon’s half as big as you are, no?
PLUTO: Pardon me, but Charon simply follows me around everywhere! He is in my very own orbit!

327: So can you propose a definition of “planet,” then, that makes a distinction between you and Charon?
PLUTO: How about history? Or astrology charts? Would you please tell me what sign your own Charon is in?

327: Seems pretty arbitrary.
PLUTO: Listen, I never asked to be a planet, anyway. I was perfectly happy being unseen to the visible eye for centuries. But I’ve paid my dues doing the planet act, night at day, being there for anybody to look at, appearing at shopping center openings, you name it.

327: So you want the club to remain exclusive.
PLUTO: I’m just saying that back in the day, we had standards. If you wanted to be a planet, you had to act like one. Bare minimum: revolve around the sun, why don’t you?

327: But back in the day, people thought that you and Charon were one single planet.
PLUTO: I’m not saying we didn’t have good times, I’m just saying there’s only room for so many planets in the solar system. Nine was good enough for Carl Sagan; it’s good enough for me.