Things I'll Probably Never Do

At age 49, I’m reasonably certain that my life is half over. Although I have long entertained the fantasy that I’ll live to be 112, chances are I’m already into—well into—the second half of my life. Consequently, there are only so many things that I can expect to accomplish before I die and as a consequence of that, quite a number of things that I can be reasonably certain I won’t do before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

For instance, I’m never going to be in the Olympics—as a competitor, anyways. Unless they make three hundred and twenty-seven word blogging an Olympic sport, I’m confident that I’ll never vie for Olympic gold.

Becoming an expert snowboarder is probably out, too. I’m a good enough—and infrequent enough—skier that spending precious days on the mountain learning to master the snowboard is highly unlikely.

I’m not going to become a video game addict. It’s all I can stand to be in front of the computer long enough to write the blog and some other stuff; there’s no chance I’ll be augmenting that time noodling on a joystick.

I can’t picture myself ever getting an eyebrow piercing. I don’t want to rule out any body art, but there’s just something about the little golden hoop in the forehead that seem particularly inappropriate for the man of a “certain” age.

It’s a sure bet that I’ll never have sex with a virgin. And that’s one I’m totally okay with.

I won’t ever go “on tour” as a fan of a heavy metal band. (I’m not ruling out performing in one; I just don’t see myself following one I’m not in around all summer).

I’m not going to get into text messaging on a cell phone. Thankfully, this cultural phenomenon has passed me by.

And I’ll never be a soldier on the battlefield; if I ever die for my country, it’s going to be in my bed.