Hand-Wringing

In the aftermath of David Letterman’s on-air apology to his wife and viewers for having sex with women on his show, everyone wants to get in the act.

327 Words received the following transcript from Shane Ryan, Vice-President of the Decatur, Georgia, Bo Jackson High School 11th grade class and starting wide-receiver for their Bulldogs football team.

Read it and weep:

“I’m awful sorry to come before all of you today, but I thought I ought to show my hand, so to speak, no pun intended, before it blows up in everyone’s faces—like that science experiment in Mr. Deaver’s class last Tuesday.

What I’ve got to tell you isn’t easy, especially with my girlfriend, Carrie Johnson, here, but bless her heart, she says she’s sticking by me in this difficult time—at least until football season’s over anyway. Love you, C., thanks.

So here’s the deal: for the last four years—since I turned 13, even before me and Carrie started dating—I’ve been carrying on a secret sexual relationship with my hand. My right hand, if you want to know the truth, and I apologize to everybody I’ve hurt as a result of this, especially Carrie, of course, but also all my teachers, friends, and teammates I’ve shaken with or high-fived.

I never meant for it to happen, it’s just something stupid I got myself involved in, but you know how it is; we were together all the time, and one thing led to another, and before you know it, we were having sex.

And I swear, all along, it’s been consensual, even though, I know, there’s a power differential, me being in control of my hand and all, but I’ve never abused that power, even that time I talked right hand into three-way with my left hand; sorry, really.

Anyway, I’ve broken off the sex, me and my hand are going to stay friends; I’ll be putting Stick-em on for football, but no more Jergens.”