Asshole
I am an asshole.
A self-centered, self-serving, self-indulgent asshole. And it’s a sure measure of my assholeness that I should point out this fact in hopes of defusing your judgment by beating you to the punch. As if the awareness of what an asshole I am earns me the right to not be considered an asshole—because I’m so self-aware.
Sheesh, what an asshole.
Of course, it’s the human condition: we’re all assholes. Every one of us wants just what we want and not what we don’t.
Q: So I can be excused for simply expressing my humanity in the typical way—for being a self-serving asshole, just like everyone else?
A: Nope, sorry, asshole.
Still, there’s selfishness and there’s selfishness. Mother Teresa may have gotten a measure of selfish pleasure out of helping Calcutta’s starving children but that’s different than the selfish pleasure Donald Trump gets from firing struggling apprentices.
Q: It’s a matter of motivation, right?
A: No, it’s a matter of who’s an asshole, asshole.
Q: But if the result of my actions is selfish pleasure while my motivation is altruistic, then aren’t I off the hook somehow?
A: No way, asshole.
Q: Then is everyone who wants their relationships to proceed in accordance with certain limitations an asshole?
A: No. Just the assholes who want that are, asshole.
Q: Then what would make me not an asshole?
A: Not being one, asshole.
I realize I’m far from the best person I could be. (Hell, I’m probably far from the best person that even Donald Rumsfeld—that fucking asshole—could be.) But I’m doing the best I can—which is exactly what every asshole—including that fucking asshole Rumsfeld—will tell you.
Q: So why don’t I do better?
A: Clearly because I’m too big of an asshole.
This is silly. I’m not so bad. I’m not an abuser, or a psychopath, or even a Republican. I’m not an asshole.
I’m just a dick.
A self-centered, self-serving, self-indulgent asshole. And it’s a sure measure of my assholeness that I should point out this fact in hopes of defusing your judgment by beating you to the punch. As if the awareness of what an asshole I am earns me the right to not be considered an asshole—because I’m so self-aware.
Sheesh, what an asshole.
Of course, it’s the human condition: we’re all assholes. Every one of us wants just what we want and not what we don’t.
Q: So I can be excused for simply expressing my humanity in the typical way—for being a self-serving asshole, just like everyone else?
A: Nope, sorry, asshole.
Still, there’s selfishness and there’s selfishness. Mother Teresa may have gotten a measure of selfish pleasure out of helping Calcutta’s starving children but that’s different than the selfish pleasure Donald Trump gets from firing struggling apprentices.
Q: It’s a matter of motivation, right?
A: No, it’s a matter of who’s an asshole, asshole.
Q: But if the result of my actions is selfish pleasure while my motivation is altruistic, then aren’t I off the hook somehow?
A: No way, asshole.
Q: Then is everyone who wants their relationships to proceed in accordance with certain limitations an asshole?
A: No. Just the assholes who want that are, asshole.
Q: Then what would make me not an asshole?
A: Not being one, asshole.
I realize I’m far from the best person I could be. (Hell, I’m probably far from the best person that even Donald Rumsfeld—that fucking asshole—could be.) But I’m doing the best I can—which is exactly what every asshole—including that fucking asshole Rumsfeld—will tell you.
Q: So why don’t I do better?
A: Clearly because I’m too big of an asshole.
This is silly. I’m not so bad. I’m not an abuser, or a psychopath, or even a Republican. I’m not an asshole.
I’m just a dick.
posted by Professor Dave at 3:31 PM
1 Comments:
this post reminds me of a quote from Team America: World Police, "We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks...Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"
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